Saturday, October 7, 2017

Fast Foward to Now...

I never posted anything about graduation.  I have many good reasons why I didn't... however, today I need to blog.  Sometimes you just need to say all of what is in your mind.  Okay, maybe not ALL of what is in my mind, but I need to say something's... a lot of things... but I'll keep some of it in, you're welcome.

I graduated... That's a big deal.  I also passed my NCLEX... also a big deal.  I also got divorced shortly after... and that has been many things including a big deal... but when I say something is a big deal I am usually referring to it in a way that is good and exciting.  Divorce is never good... and definitely has not been exciting.

Unraveling the tangled web that has been my life over the past few months will take some effort on my part, but I feel like this is something I need.  I am going to talk about things that many people expect others to keep to themselves.  You can either be okay with that and read and understand, or you can stop reading here... be happy that I graduated and am now an RN.

I worked as a nurse assistant prior to being a nurse.  That was great experience.  I loved being a nurse assistant.  I continued to work as a nurse assistant up until the second week of January 2017 when I transferred to a graduate nurse position.  During those last few weeks I was doing tons of NCLEX practice questions on my phone, since the NCLEX was scheduled for January 27.  On January 7 at around 4:45 am, just as I was about to begin morning vitals I get a notification on Facebook Messenger.  And that  would be the beginning of the end for my marriage.

During the last 2 semesters of nursing school I made really good friends with a lady from church.  She loved my little Avery girl, who needed a good babysitter. This lady watched my little girl, and we would hang out, and laugh, and share life, and problems, and laugh... And she would meet my then husband for "lunch." At least that is what I learned the morning of January 7 as I was attempting to finish my shift.  Not only was I reading about... processing... and internalizing the betrayal of a husband of 16 years (who had riddled my last 10 years with bouts of unfaithfulness), but I was also reading about... processing... and internalizing the betrayal of a good friend. 

I won't go into the details of the Facebook message I received... just know that it crushed me and shocked me to the core.  I knew my marriage was over.  This man who I believed would love me through it all, who pledged me faithfulness, who vowed in sickness and health, rich or poor, who said "I plight thee my troth" had gone against his word, his vows, and for a year engaged in an extramarital affair and lied about it.

When I confronted him, there was initial refusal, but I think he was tired of hiding it and lying and came clean.  There was no elaborate apology, begging, or pleading.  He simply said, "I will get my things and move out."  January 7th was the separation... April 6 the divorce was final. 

Fast forward to today:  Today he remarries.  Some woman I have never met.  Some woman I hope knows exactly the man she is marrying.  Some woman who will now be, legally, a step mother to my children, and that is the part that makes me sadder than anything else.  I should have been the only mother these kids knew.  I should have been the only one raising them, teaching them, guiding them... and because of everything... I have to share my kids with a woman that should have never been in the picture. 

Some other things that bother me about this marriage are more selfish and personal.  I can't help but see it through superficial surface layer views.  I see a man who betrayed his wife, his kids, and even himself... I see this man moving on... getting the dream life, wife, house, and taking MY kids under the wings of another woman not of my choosing.  Yet here I sit on this wedding day... at Panera Bread.  Typing this blog and taking glances at the sky through their enormous floor to ceiling windows.  I'm trying to see my silver lining; hoping for my happy ending.  I'm trying to believe it exists. 

I pray unselfishly, but I also pray selfishly sometimes, and I hope that's okay.  Like... prayers to experience a deep devoted love by someone who sees my worth.  Maybe someday I will. 

Friday, September 9, 2016

The Final Semester is Underway

Hi everyone who still reads this thing... or maybe it's just me here? LOL

Anyway.  I am in the 4th week of my final semester of nursing school!  It has been such a difficult journey and it is almost finished.

I have been working over the summer (and currently) as a nursing assistant on a cardiac telemetry floor in a local hospital.  I LOVE MY JOB.  I wish I would have found out sooner how much I love patient care.  This has been so fulfilling for me.

I am currently taking 2 online classes, Trends and Ethics and Nurse Management and Leadership.  I go to clinical once a week to shadow a nurse manager.  I think I have decided that management at this point in time is not my idea of a happy job (smile). I prefer bedside nursing to managing the nurses while they give bedside care.  I love being hands on with patients and being able to make the difference in someone's hospital stay.  I begin my Capstone class in about 5 weeks.  This course will be difficult as I have to rack up 250 some odd clinical hours in 8 weeks.  I will essentially be working in the hospital as a nurse under the license of a nurse preceptor.  I have so many worries and fears but I refuse to fail, and I will take it on one thing at a time.  I will muster all the confidence and boldness I have to face challenges and shape myself into an amazing nurse.

ALSO!  I already have my big girl job.  I have undergone 3 interviews and 1 call-back interview.  I interviewed for the telemetry floor that I currently aid on, our postpartum mother-baby unit, and pediatrics twice (the nurse manager wasn't in on my initial interview and wanted to interview me herself). I got offers from all 3 positions, and in the end I chose Pediatrics.  So, come January 2017 I will be doing a nurse residency on the hospital's pediatric unit.   I can honestly say that when I went into nursing school pediatrics was not on the top of my list of jobs I wanted as a nurse.  However, I loved my pediatric rotation and I had many moments that allowed me to see the amazing good I could do as a pediatric nurse.  I am nervous, scared, but oh so excited about this opportunity.

I do not know exactly where this nursing career will lead, but I do know I was made to do this.  I have never felt a calling to do anything so strongly in my life as I do with nursing.

As I walk this last stretch of my journey to my BSN degree, I hope to finish strong and realize my dreams.  I hope to make a difference and be a bright spot in people's lives through nursing care.

The next time I post will likely be either close to or after graduation.  I promise pictures and I promise to blog more after I am finished.

Until then, I will get back to immersing myself in my school work.


Thursday, June 30, 2016

Summer Break and Work!

Hi guys... or to the one or two people who may accidentally read this blog still.  I did it.  I finished my 4th semester of nursing school.  Out of all of the semesters this was my favorite one.  I was not stressed out of my mind and I felt like I learned a TON.

Now I am on summer break.  I decided to take a job as a nursing assistant at one of our hospitals.  I work on the cardiac medical surgical floor.  I really like it.  This kind of work is what I was meant for, and sometimes I get really sad when I think about how long it took me to figure this out, but I am just glad I did figure it out.

So far summer has been pretty uneventful with only a few trips to Silver Dollar City and adjusting to working overnights.  I do have a small vacation planned.  August 5-9 when I will be going to south Texas to see my brother and aunts and uncles.  This should be a nice break before I start back for my 5th and final semester of nursing school.

Nursing school starts back up for me August 15.  That date will be here before I know it.  I am nervous and excited.  I am not for certain how it will effect my working, but I am going to try and keep working while I am in school.  Eight weeks into my semester I will begin my capstone clinical.  This will entail me working full time in the hospital under a nurse preceptor.  I am hoping this experience will lead me to what I want to do as a nurse.

So far I am interested in Cardiac, Postpartum, Pediatrics, Emergency, and ICU nursing.  Time will tell, but I am really excited about what the future holds.  I begin applying for graduate nurse positions in August.  Life is about to become really busy.

For now, that's it.  Sorry, no pictures.  You can follow my IG account, although I don't use it a lot, I do post the occasional picture.  Amyschmamey!

Friday, February 5, 2016

4th Semester Nursing School

I am in the throws of my 4th semester of nursing school.  So far things haven't been too bad.  I love clinical, and I am managing to keep up with my class work.  I haven't gotten too stressed out yet... that will come toward April, I'm sure.

I am taking Medical Surgical Nursing II, Community and Public Health Nursing, and the ABC's of PQRST.  Med Surg is my big class where I learn the bulk of nursing within a hospital setting.  The exams are really brutal... you haven't taken an exam until you have taken an exam full of NCLEX style questions.  It's like trickery... but it's not.  Last semester I took classes divided into 8 weeks which meant that I had a test every single week.  That was tough.  I am so glad this semester there is actually room to breathe between each exam.  This decreases the stress level by so much.

Community and Public Health Nursing does not have any exams, but it has a lot of busy-work and projects.  I can't decide if I would rather take exams or do projects, ha.  This class is not as consistent as I would like; we don't have class every week, and we have a sporadic clinical schedule.  That is the worst aspect of this class, though.  I feel like I am winging it a lot of the time.

The ABC's of PQRST is all about reading EKG strips.  I really love the professor in this class.  She is so smart and she explains things very well.  I think I am going to learn a lot about the heart this way.  The heart has always taken a lot of effort for me to understand pathology, but between my Pediatrics course and this course I feel like I understand it a whole lot better than I did.

Now for some annoying chit chat about grades... you can skip over this section if you really don't care about grades.  When I finished my pre-requisites I had a 4.0 GPA.  From my first Nursing exam on I have been plagued with B's.  The grading system is a lot tougher than it was at Ozarks Technical Community College.  Where an A was 90-100, at the school I am at an A is 93-100... B is 84-92... C is 75-83... so if you make an 92.85% you have made a B... that happened to me in a few courses... I just couldn't squeeze out that A.  So, I have been cursed with a 3.1-3.0 GPA... except for last semester!  I managed to make 3 A's and 1 B... so, I ended up having a high enough GPA to get on the Dean's List with a 3.692.  Woo hoo!  I miss making straight A's, but I'm trying the best I can, and in the end, the result is the same... I will be a nurse.  That is all that matters.

I basically just wanted to get my thoughts down on this semester and how it has been going.  That's all from me, and unless I get the urge to post before the end of the semester, the next blog post will be the middle of May.

Enjoy the next few months of life, everyone.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

For Me

I doubt anyone really even reads my blog anymore.  Since I have gone back to school my posts have been lacking.  I am currently in the middle of my 3rd semester of nursing school and it is eating my life up whole.  I have very little time to do anything other than study, do assignments, and study some more.

I am currently in my OB rotation... or as I like to call it "babies and vaginas."  I have only had a rotation in neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) so far, so I really do not know how I feel about it, yet.  I really liked NICU, though... but, that's a given, because I find I just enjoy intensive care unit nursing in general.

I still do not know where I want to work when I become a nurse, but I can tell you with certainty that I want to work in a hospital.  Whether that ends up being on a medical surgical floor, an ICU, or the emergency room... I just want to work in the hospital.  My clinical experiences have all been so fulfilling, and I haven't regretted pursuing nursing for one minute.  I would be lying, though, if I said I loved nursing school... because I don't.  I hate it, but it is a means to an end, and it will get me to my dream career... my calling.  I do believe I was meant for nursing.

I decided to grow my pixie cut out a little over 2 months ago.  So, for visuals I will post my grow out process so far :)

This is when I decided to grow

This is 4 weeks later

This is another 4 weeks later

This is 5 weeks after that

So, we are on the grow.  I like my hair short, and it seems I go through two year cycles for cutting it off into a pixie.  As I am getting older, though, I don't want the typical short haircut for older women, ya know?  So, I think from here on out I want to keep it at least shoulder length and styled.  I'm glad I am chronicling the grow out process, though.  I like to see the progress.  My hair seems to grow at the expected 1/2 inch per month.  It doesn't grow fast or slow... just normal.  

Anyway.  enough with the boring stuff.  I hope everyone else is doing well.  I can't wait to be done with nursing school.  December 2016 cannot get here quick enough.  Just a little over 1 year and 2 1/2 semesters.


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Three Weeks Later

My last day of classes for the semester was three weeks ago.  That says a lot about how stressful this past semester was that it took me three weeks to decompress and feel like posting a blog. Ha.

I now have semester two complete.  Medical Surgical Nursing 1 was probably my favorite class, but at the end of the semester that class was about to cause me to have a psychiatric break.  I think I cried no less than three times.  The tests were insanely difficult, but I passed with a B.  Psychiatric Nursing was annoying.  I pretty much know that I will not be going into that field when I graduate.  I passed that class with a B, but it was hard fought.  I also took a class on Gerontological Nursing; I made an A in that class.  

During that semester I was beginning to question whether I was experiencing cardiovascular issues, because I would experience chest pain that would make it difficult to breathe at times, but as I decompressed after the semester, I have not experienced any chest pain.  Anxiety can really mess your body up.  This is true.

Now I have a whole summer in front of me that is already going by way too fast.  I made a collage of some of the highlights from the last three weeks...
The top row is from mother's day.  I visited my sister as soon as school was out with my mom.  That was awesome fun.  I got to play Yahtzee with my grandma and son, and the steak and shake pictures were from a lunch date with the family.  

Goals for the summer include losing the 10 lbs that I put on from being so sedentary during nursing school... that's slowly coming along.  I have been working out every day on my elliptical.  I also plan on doing some LIGHT studying to keep me fresh for next semester. 

Tomorrow night I am going to a women's event at my church.  It's a pinterest party and I'm so excited.  

June 15th is my birthday!  UGH.  I'm getting so old.  It will be number 36 for me! (insert shocked face emoji).

June 26th-July 4th is going to be vacation time in San Antonio, Texas.  We will be spending time with my brother and sister in law for a week, and then going to Corpus Christi for a family reunion.  I'm really looking forward to that.

Before I know it I will be back for my third semester of nursing school.  Next semester is a couple of brutal online informatics classes, Pediatrics, and Obstetrics.  But, I'm not going to focus on that until I have to.  Right now, I 'm enjoying my sanity and my family again.

I hope you all have big fun plans this summer.  

Monday, March 30, 2015

The Pixie is Back!

Every two years... Almost like clockwork... I am struck by an almost uncontrollable urge to get a pixie cut. Usually, the grow out begins right after the cut. This time I think I'm going to let it stick around... At least until August. Time will tell. But anyway. Here is a picture taken shortly before the cut...
And here are a couple after photos 
Avery was being silly and sticking her gum on the top of her tongue. 

Happy Monday, everyone!