Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Pain is Relative

Divorce has been painful.  I believed when I got married, as most do, that it would be forever.  I believed we would weather the storms and make it through.  When my marriage crumbled so did 16 years of my life.  The ache in my heart is physiological, like the fibers of my heart are literally stretching and threatening to break.  The ache is not for him, but for what he did to me, for the marriage, for my kids, for this new life I was forced into, and the loss of the person I was.

In the aftermath of what was my world and all I knew, I have become someone I hardly recognize.  I have made decisions that I thought would make me feel better or make me happier, only to find a deeper sort of loneliness and an overwhelming disappointment with myself.  I have also made good decisions that have made me feel empowered, but to be honest, those are few and far in between.  Most days I struggle to find reasons to smile and the tears flow easier these days.  Mostly I feel overwhelmed, lost, unimportant, alone, and like everything good is just out of reach.

Believe me, I realize in brief moments of rational thought just how irrational my thinking gets in the lows, but depression is unrelenting and the mind is easily overcome by emotion when in these dark places.  One day at a time and I hope to find each day is a little brighter.  This valley has been low, and climbing out of it is going to take some time.  Giving myself that time is just as painful and frustrating.

I'm praying a lot.  I'm fasting a lot.  I'm waiting a lot.  Still believing that I will look back at this time and see how God was moving the pieces into just the right places.  I know I will see happier days, but I am pushing through, trudging through this mud first.  It's just going to take time.  Too much time.