So, here I am with a new post almost a year after my last one. Basically, I am going to spill out what’s on my mind and I am not going to hold much back. Some of it will be good, some not so good because let’s face it... life really sucks sometimes.
Before I dive into the mess, let’s talk about what isn’t a mess. My job. I have been a nurse (RN, BSN) for close to 2 years. When I first started I was nervous, stressed, and sometimes frantic. Anytime something would go wrong I would lose my confidence and rely heavily on my fellow nurses. I have to give myself a little break for that because I was a baby nurse whose only hospital experience was having babies, nursing school, and 6 months of being a nurse assistant.
I am much more at home with myself and my abilities. I don’t freak out when my patient’s oxygen saturation drops in the 70’s, or they start having chest pain, or their heart rate or rhythm goes wonky, or they get an obscenely high/low blood pressure, etc... I take care of it or send them to the unit. I’m coming into my own as a nurse and I love my job. I always tell people when they ask if I like my job, that I was made by God to be a nurse. This is my calling in life. I am just so thankful I went for it, and I didn’t ever give up, that wasn’t even an option.
I guess it’s time to talk about the messier stuff. I am a year and a half post divorce. I am 1 year and 10 months post separation from my ex. Some days are better than others. Some hours are better than others. Some things still hurt, others have healed up significantly. I no longer feel that pressure or heaviness in my stomach when I am confronted with what ended my marriage. I am no longer emotionally attached to him in any real meaningful way. The feelings of disgust, anger, and resentment are so much less. Not saying they don’t come up in a rare moment of weakness, but they aren’t strong, aren’t often, aren’t crippling. I can honestly say that I really haven’t struggled with this post-divorce, but really, I don’t miss him, and I don’t wish I was still with him.
A lot, if not all, of the hurt that I experience now is not directly from the divorce... now it's from the aftermath. The hurt I feel now comes from navigating life as a single mom, trying to date, trying to be self sufficient, trying to be a good mom, and all the failures laced in with those things.
What does hurt is that I still feel defective. I feel like he was able to move on and remarry so quickly... dating someone new before the divorce was final, and remarried 6 months after the divorce was final... and I can’t even seem to date properly. It’s been 1 1/2 years and I’m sitting here single, and probably need to stay that way for now, with a string of really messy dating history. I had been very monogamous in my marriage; I took my vows very seriously and never even entertained attraction to another man for 16 years. It’s hard for me to be single, it’s hard for me to not be married, and it’s hard for me to date. Oh yeah, have I mentioned dating has been disastrous? Dating has been disastrous.
What does still hurt is the support mutual friends give to my ex and his now wife. I understand splitting friendship between a split up couple is difficult, but the way it feels to me when I see the support or learn about it, is that they think I deserved to get cheated on repeatedly. It feels like they believe my ex must have had some kind of miserable with me, and good on him for upgrading. That’s how it feels and it hurts. Whether that thought process is rational or accurate, I don’t know... but I’m being honest. It hurts.
What does still hurt is that I am sharing my kids with a woman I have never even had a conversation with. My ex has never given me the courtesy of getting to know the woman that he is wanting to be a step mom to my kids. It stings when I pick my kids up and see my youngest wrapping her arms around this woman. That’s my daughter. My baby. It stings that she gets to do the things that I should be doing because they aren’t with me for that weekend or holiday... Those are my babies! Irrational or not, that’s how I feel. Just being honest.
What does still hurt is time without the kids. That's when I feel alone the most. Like right now. My kids are with their dad this weekend. I am missing them. I hate what this does to them. I hate how they feel torn between two worlds. I hate how they have to be the product of a broken home. I hate that two adults were supposed to keep their world together and we tore everything they knew apart. I hate it.
What does still hurt is just being divorced. But, give me time...
What does still hurt is just being divorced. But, give me time...
I miss your blogs! They are real and I feel a connection to you just by reading them. I'm probably supposed to say something encouraging here, but all I can think of is how I would feel in your position. And how much it would suck. I wish we could be friends outside the internet world, and maybe we could bring each other some cheer just by talking and being together. I always find that's the best thing for me when I'm down, just doing something with a good friend or my mom or sisters. PS Dating hella sucks!! Hope you blog again soon. YOUR INTERNET PAL, TYLER (zebravans/plaidguru/everybodymusthaveafantasyeh)
ReplyDeleteTyler, this comment is everything. Thank you for taking the time to write it. We would probably be great IRL friends. Dating is wretched!!!
DeleteI hate that you’re going through this. I hate that friends have abandoned you. I hate that your kids have to split their time between two homes. But I love you. I love your strength. I love your honesty. Girl, I just love you! You’re stronger than you think, braver than you feel, and a bigger blessing than you realize. We need to lunch or coffee soon.
ReplyDeleteI’d like to get together. It would be nice. So we can make it happen after the holidays!
DeleteYes, let's!
DeleteIt's good to hear from you Amy. I am happy to hear you're moving forward with your life, but I can only imagine how much of a number this last year has done on you... and I can only imagine how hard it is to share your children with a woman you have never talked to. That must be so hard. I hope you keep sharing your journey.
ReplyDeleteThanks fir the encouragement 😊
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