Fast Foward to Now...

I never posted anything about graduation.  I have many good reasons why I didn't... however, today I need to blog.  Sometimes you just need to say all of what is in your mind.  Okay, maybe not ALL of what is in my mind, but I need to say something's... a lot of things... but I'll keep some of it in, you're welcome.

I graduated... That's a big deal.  I also passed my NCLEX... also a big deal.  I also got divorced shortly after... and that has been many things including a big deal... but when I say something is a big deal I am usually referring to it in a way that is good and exciting.  Divorce is never good... and definitely has not been exciting.

Unraveling the tangled web that has been my life over the past few months will take some effort on my part, but I feel like this is something I need.  I am going to talk about things that many people expect others to keep to themselves.  You can either be okay with that and read and understand, or you can stop reading here... be happy that I graduated and am now an RN.

I worked as a nurse assistant prior to being a nurse.  That was great experience.  I loved being a nurse assistant.  I continued to work as a nurse assistant up until the second week of January 2017 when I transferred to a graduate nurse position.  During those last few weeks I was doing tons of NCLEX practice questions on my phone, since the NCLEX was scheduled for January 27.  On January 7 at around 4:45 am, just as I was about to begin morning vitals I get a notification on Facebook Messenger.  And that  would be the beginning of the end for my marriage.

During the last 2 semesters of nursing school I made really good friends with a lady from church.  She loved my little Avery girl, who needed a good babysitter. This lady watched my little girl, and we would hang out, and laugh, and share life, and problems, and laugh... And she would meet my then husband for "lunch." At least that is what I learned the morning of January 7 as I was attempting to finish my shift.  Not only was I reading about... processing... and internalizing the betrayal of a husband of 16 years (who had riddled my last 10 years with bouts of unfaithfulness), but I was also reading about... processing... and internalizing the betrayal of a good friend. 

I won't go into the details of the Facebook message I received... just know that it crushed me and shocked me to the core.  I knew my marriage was over.  This man who I believed would love me through it all, who pledged me faithfulness, who vowed in sickness and health, rich or poor, who said "I plight thee my troth" had gone against his word, his vows, and for a year engaged in an extramarital affair and lied about it.

When I confronted him, there was initial refusal, but I think he was tired of hiding it and lying and came clean.  There was no elaborate apology, begging, or pleading.  He simply said, "I will get my things and move out."  January 7th was the separation... April 6 the divorce was final. 

Fast forward to today:  Today he remarries.  Some woman I have never met.  Some woman I hope knows exactly the man she is marrying.  Some woman who will now be, legally, a step mother to my children, and that is the part that makes me sadder than anything else.  I should have been the only mother these kids knew.  I should have been the only one raising them, teaching them, guiding them... and because of everything... I have to share my kids with a woman that should have never been in the picture. 

Some other things that bother me about this marriage are more selfish and personal.  I can't help but see it through superficial surface layer views.  I see a man who betrayed his wife, his kids, and even himself... I see this man moving on... getting the dream life, wife, house, and taking MY kids under the wings of another woman not of my choosing.  Yet here I sit on this wedding day... at Panera Bread.  Typing this blog and taking glances at the sky through their enormous floor to ceiling windows.  I'm trying to see my silver lining; hoping for my happy ending.  I'm trying to believe it exists. 

I pray unselfishly, but I also pray selfishly sometimes, and I hope that's okay.  Like... prayers to experience a deep devoted love by someone who sees my worth.  Maybe someday I will.