Thursday, September 22, 2011

A Little Heart to Heart... Me and My Body Image...

Weight. I am a call it like I see it type person. I know that NO BODY sees themselves clearly or how others see them. Some people are destined to have a bad image of their own body. I have always had a bad body image. I have always struggled to see myself as thin. HOWEVER... I am going to be talking about pregnancy and weight and how I feel like I am alone in the world... even as it pertains to other pregnant women.
I have never been the skinny pregnant lady. When I get pregnant my body just has to see food and it's like OOOOOH I need to store some fat in my thighs! Seriously! I know this about myself. I know my body. I know that when I'm pregnant I look puffy. You want to know how I know? Check this out... (I'm not going to take the time to make sure all the pics are the same width... sorry if this bugs you, but I have a birthday cake to bake after I finish typing this)
Yup... I was small once.  This was me in 2001 (pre marriage)
This is me with Dave.  He is 6'4 and here he weighed 155... he could fit in MY jeans... they were snug of course, but still. ha.  Anyway, just more proof that hey, I was small once.
Then I got pregnant with Lindsey.  This is me at like 32 weeks with Lindsey in belly. 
Then this is me after giving birth to my baby girl... nice and full of swelling and saline.  Lovely.
Then along comes Brendan.  Here, I am 26 weeks pregnant.
Then at 32 weeks after quite a few smores and hot dogs ;)
AND here I am 39.6 weeks pregnant, ready for the big show... ready for Brendan to light up my life.
And here I am with Lindsey... Brendan is probably about 9 months old or so... and I have only managed to get down to 155 lbs.  Please keep in mind, I am 5'1... While 155 lbs may seem like a WONDERFUL weight to be at for someone a few inches taller than me, for my height it is just chubby.  (AND GOSH, if you are my height and in this weight range and are happy with your weight, then PLEASE keep being happy about it, this is my body image I am discussing)
 A couple years later and a change of diet I managed to get down to this...  While not my smallest, it was still an accomplishment.
Pictures can be really evil... but they are truth tellers. If you ever want to know how you truly look, look at a picture ha. Now. When I say I am getting fat... I am not saying I AM fat... or even saying that you are fat if you are heavier than me. All I am saying is that I am on the journey, on my way, heading that direction... getting fat. I don't say this to get a bunch of "NO YOU'RE NOT!" comments. I am not even saying it to get the "You look great! You're pregnant" comments. Although, I don't hate those comments, I am just saying it to make light of it and to vent it out. It's kind of me acknowledging before anyone else does, that "look, I know I am not a skinny pregnant lady."

I don't delude myself into thinking anything other than what is real. I don't think I am ugly. I don't think I am morbidly obese.  I am pregnant.  I don't need a news flash to tell me that being pregnant means weight gain.  Pregnant or not, putting on weight is stressful to me!  I think because my track record has shown losing weight to be a pretty difficult thing to do! 

Yes, I realize I am pregnant!  Yes, I realize I am NOT FAT!  I am not over here depressed and wallowing about my weight either, but it is in the forefront of my mind because if you'll remember, I never wanted to be pregnant in the first place. ha. For very selfish reasons too. HEY!  I'm just being honest here!  I had ended my pregnancy with Brendan at 179 lbs, I was only able to shed 24 lbs of that. After overhauling the way I ate FINALLY I had gone from 155 lbs to 128 lbs over the course of about a year... I gained 7 lbs back shortly before I got pregnant with this one, but still, even at 135 lbs I was at one of the lowest weights I had been at since before getting pregnant with Brendan. I didn't want to put this weight back on! I was also happy with my 2 kiddos. I felt like our family was complete.

ALL OF THAT BEING SAID! I just want to be able to vent my weight frustrations without people getting upset with me.  I'm not putting myself down, I'm just SAYIN'... and I try to keep it light hearted and funny, and not so serious... case in point... my facebook status a couple hours ago read...
Just took the 30 week picture... Dear Avery... I am so glad that I am having you and can't wait to meet you, but please stop making your momma fat! ha. :) ♥
I want to be able to acknowledge that I am looking a little fluffy, without people trying to tell me that I am all belly or that I don't look like I have gained anything... because you know what? That isn't the truth. The truth may be that you think pregnancy suits me, or that I look great, or that I'm a cute preggo... that's fine, I'll say thank you and move on. :) I don't need sunshine blown up my you know where. I'm putting on weight... am I depressed? no. It's just what I do when I'm pregnant...

I guess I am just hoping you can see it how I see it. Yes, I am happy to be having Avery... I can't wait to meet her. Yes, I am ok with being pregnant and even enjoying it at times. YET... even with that, I am still stuck here undoing all of my hard work waiting as pound by pound, all that weight comes back on... and I just have to cross my fingers that I can find the motivation and the where with all to lose it after Avery is here.

Maybe this is something I will always be alone in.  I don't expect people who have never been pregnant to understand... and I am finding that even some women who have been pregnant won't ever understand... but this is me.  I'm not hunting for sympathy, or a thick candy shell...  I'm just calling it how I see it. I really am sorry if it upsets anyone.  I really am, but maybe this blog post will help you understand better... ok.  I think I'll save the pie post for later.

If you read this whole thing Kudos to you!  I might send you a prize!  No promises, I'm a busy girl lately. ha.


  1. girl I understand completely when I had Brinsley I weigh it at 200 when I had Noah 215 given I had big babies Brinsley weighed 9lbs and Noah weighed 9lbs 10 oz

    I was not one of those cute pregnant women

  2. OH man I feel you on this one. Although I have never been pregnant, I have always struggled with my weight. I'll go up and down and up and down.. Well you get the point. As you know I am not a mom yet, and I am TERRIFIED to gain weight with pregnancy. Of course you never know how pregnancy is going to effect your weight or acne or gag reflex. Whatevs. Seriously though, I have always had a bigger frame, and i'm a tall girl 5'10. I have never been the skinny girl to begin with so I know I won't be one of those skinny bitches who leaves the hospital in their pre pregnancy jeans;) (sorry for the swear) Also I have always been so hard on myself about the way I look. Who knows maybe I'll be one of those preggos who feels better when they are pregnant than not. HA I could only wish. Or one of the ones who has always been fat and then suddenly after baby my metabolism kicks in and all the sudden i'm tiny! Have you ever known someone like that?? It makes me so mad! Only because I know that I wont be one of them, a girl can wish right? Also sorry about the really bad run on sentences/spelling mistakes... I tend to ramble. I really do think that you are beautiful girl and weight gain in any form is hard to handle. At least you have gained less with each new pregnancy?? haha. I hope you have a great week, thanks for always keeping it real ♥

  3. I think I recognize that first picture. :-)

  4. Dude, I feel you. It's really rough putting on those pounds. I gained so much during my last trimester it was depressing. I'm still struggling with it but I'm doing much better...3 months PP I'm twelve pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. But I was chubby before I got pregnant so I'm really aiming to lose around 30 more pounds. Honestly I thought the weight gain/body image thing was the worst part of pregnancy :/ Keep your head up, I believe in you haha!

  5. Oh girl you don't even want me to break out the pre-marriage, pre-baby pictures. I went from a size 4 to a 10 and it's a serious struggle to get that weight off once it's on. I think it didn't help that when I was pregnant I seriously ate WHATEVER I wanted, and still for a long time after that I did. I'm only now starting to break that habit, you know ice cream at midnight etc.

    I wouldn't try to stress out to much right now, all us pregnant ladies know how you feel about those extra pounds you're putting on, we've all been there. But you are creating a new life and that is amazing and hard work to do! When little Avery arrives I truly believe that you'll be able to find that motivation and get your body to a place that makes you happy. I think you looked ROCKIN in the picture with the blue shirt!

  6. Weight gain is very stressful. I have lost 10 lbs and I want to lose 10 more but losing weight is so freakin' hard and I understand where you come from. I am only 0.5" taller than you and when us little people gain weight it really shows even if it is a bit of weight gain. I hope that after Avery comes you can have to motivation to lose the weight and get back to your pre-baby weight.

  7. I was shaking my head and saying YES this whole post. I totally understand! I've said this before, my doctor said it was ideal for me to gain 25 pounds during pregnancy for my prepregnancy weight and height. I gained 75. BAH!

  8. You are so awesome for writing this out and posting it! I've never even been pregnant, but I've been around so many lately and I kind of get tired of everyone acting like it's easy peasy to watch your body change. I already have body image issues and don't forsee them getting much better when I get pregnant unless I can loose a ton of weight beforehand. These are things I'm constantly thinking about. That I actually want to be healthier before I have kids so that pregnancy won't be a nightmare! I love your honesty in this post. Body image is such a huge thing for everyone I think. Just know that I still think you are one of the most gorgeous ladies ever and if photos tell the truth, then that last pic is amazing! Thanks for sharing your heart Amy!

  9. I love this post. And honestly your body reminds me so much of my arms are always a little chubby and so are my thighs. I've only lost about ten pounds since kaela was born and hubby is pushing for another babe and I kinda want one too! So I really will have to watch my diet next pregnancy! It bugs me when pregnant ladies with a big belly and stick thin arms and legs complain about being fat:( Anyway...I just love u and your blog:)

  10. You know I have been loving all your pregnancy posts because, just like this one, they are so honest. I have never been pregnant, but def have struggled with wieght and I can totally understand what you are saying here. Although it is intirely obvious you are excited to see your new little baby and you love your kids dearly, I appreciate that just because you are talking about pregnancy, ever word does not have to be full of hearts and rainbows. Thanks for keeping it real!!

  11. I gained 60 pounds with Lydia. I'm 5'4", sorry but it bothers me too much to tell people how much I ended up weighing. Suffice to say when Bill and I got married I was a LOT skinnier than I am now, when I got pregnant with Lydia I was the same weight as when I got married. A LOT skinnier! The 60 came off in a year. Then I lost some more and felt really great. I was as thin as I was in high school, and I felt fabulous!

    You've only known me as you know me now. A lot heavier than I was 27 years ago.

    I never had a weight problem until I had a hysterectomy at 32. I know what you mean when you say you look at food and gain weight. Having celebrated the 24th anniversary of my 29th birthday (next year I turn 35) my body has completely rebelled, and weight does not come off nearly as easy as it did 20 years ago.

    I'm not blowing smoke up your tuchas when I tell you that you look great. I don't lie about what I see. In my eyes you look great! I say you look great to encourage you, not to argue with you. I hope you know that.

    Amy you are a beautiful woman. I understand the concern about weight gain, I really do. I just hope you know that I think you are beautiful.

  12. This post wasn't an argument to you, Lillian. I was told that my posts could be offensive... so I am just explaining why I feel the way I do.

    I guess I feel that I should be able to assess my own body without causing offense to anyone else. I appreciate your compliments, and thank you for the encouragement. I can't help but feel alone in this weight stuggle. When I voice anything about weight, I get jumped on because I'm pregnant.

    I'm just trying to say, that pregnant or not, weight gain is something I struggle with accepting for ANY Reason. However, I don't think that I let it negatively impact me. I don't starve myself. I am still gaining weight during pregnancy. I vent about it yes, but I try to keep it light and weight will always be something I can't accept about myself ever.

    I will never be able to just accept weight gain. Maybe it's because I have seen my mom's struggle with weight first hand. Maybe it's because I know several people in my family who struggle with it and how unhappy it makes them and how it effects their health. My family is very prone to weight onset type 2 diabetes among other weight onset ailments. I know part of it is I know how unhappy it makes me.

    I understand that other women have gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and have struggled with it afterward. Some gained a lot more than I have during pregnancy, but just because I didn't gain as much, doesn't mean that I am not justified to feel the way I do about the weight that I do gain. Especially knowing how difficult it was for me to lose it with my previous pregnancies when I was a lot younger... now being 32, I don't expect any pregnancy weight to just fall off.

    I also wanted to clarify... I don't rejoice when other people are heavier than me either. I do see people who may be heavier than me at times and it helps me to look at myself and say "girl, chill, your weight struggle could be worse"... I wanted to clarify that too. I am not mean spirited, and do not rejoice in the sufferings of others, but I can observe and learn and try to avoid it for myself.

    ALL of that being said, I guess I am just very defensive about this subject. I'm ok to just drop it. I probably should because it is a frustrating topic for me.

    I know you aren't feeding me sunshine and rainbows... but nearly everyone tells me what you told me on my status... I'm pregnant. It gets frustrating, because it's like YEAH I KNOW! but STILLLLLLLLLL! gar. ha. Anyway.

    Thanks for the comment Lillian. <3 back at ya.

  13. Feel free to vent all you want. Seems like no matter where we get with our bodies, we'll always find something else to not love. It's kind of funny seeing your status conversations on Facebook. People are so quick to say stuff like "you're supposed to gain weight, you're pregnant!" I mean, you're not dumb, you know that. You know that you're healthy. No one knows your body better than you and I if you notice you're "getting extra cushion" here and there, then fine. You (and everyone else) has the right to vent about your body. We're all human! But I would have to agree with what many people tell you, you're beautiful. One hot momma!


  14. This is so good to know, because I think about this ALL the time. I think I am already on the curvy side, I can't imagine if I get pregant. Its opening my eyes that I need to make some life changes!

  15. Also I personally never really had much of a weight problem (and I have yet to be pregnant), I feel you on this... just from the simple perspective that extra weight would bother me to and that I know that it is a struggle to lose it.

    Can I still say that I think you're beautiful and glowing and a wonderful pregnant lady? Please? ;)


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