Funerals.

Titles are hard.  I don't know how to come up with them until I finish with my post.  I have been working a lot of bonus shifts lately, and this means I have some extra money to play with.  I let my son build me a very cool computer.  It's been fun to watch him do what he is good at while reaping the rewards of it.  We have hit a snag, though.  He doesn't understand why it is lagging at certain points, so hopefully we can get that figured out.  In the meantime, it is allowing me to blog more.  

Today, I went to the funeral of a friend.  She was a social worker on the unit I work on.  Her name was Hayley.  She was such a caring good person.  No matter what was going on in her life, your struggle was so much more important.  In 2020, she was diagnosed with a very advanced stage of cancer.  She passed last week.  She was always there to give me a hug, even though my problems were so much more diminished.  I will always be thankful that she was in my life.

I feel a heaviness every day.  I don't know why, but today, I felt it so strong.  I took a walk with my 15-year-old son, and I just unloaded it all to him.  He was able to understand everything I was feeling, and by the end of my walk... I felt better.  I am so thankful for him.  Thankful for my kids.  They are such beautiful, wonderful human beings.  

Here is to better days.

I hope to lighten up soon.

Into the Void

It has been a long time since I have blogged.  A couple years, I think, without referencing to find out.  Life has come a long way, and I don't think I could even begin to attempt to catch you all up.  In all honesty, I didn't have the heart or energy to blog, and so much time and life has passed.  Since my last post, there has been failed attempts at dating and finding love only to lose it again... but I do not want to talk about that, or about my lack of a love life.  Not because I haven't had opportunity, I'm just not optimistic, here.  I've experienced too much of a negative pattern to believe that a positive pattern exists. 

Since I do not want to discuss my non-dating life, I will address another big elephant.  My job.  April 2020, I began nursing COVID-19 patients, and only saw the light of somewhat normal nursing for maybe 4 months in between then and now.  I say "somewhat normal" because we will likely never get back to pre-COVID-19 nursing where we were able to patient face without wearing a mask. We are still in the thick of it.  It's been a whirlwind. I was there for the beginning when there were very few patients and no vaccine.  I was nursing very sick patients when mask and social distancing mandates were lifted, and the hospital began filling up.  I was in the COVID-19 ICU unit during the height of both the initial wave and the delta wave.  My mental health took a pretty big hit.  I was working 48 hours a week and suffocating in the devastation, the struggle, the death, the complete disregard by much of the public toward taking any precautions.  I was angry, I felt alone, I was losing faith in the goodness of humanity, and to be very candid... God and I aren't on the best of terms after my experiences in the past 5 years.  On top of that, I was alone in my personal life, except for my kids, and family.  Let's be honest, sometimes that just isn't enough.  With that said, I wouldn't be doing as well as I am without my family... my brother Anthony is my best friend.  My kids are my joy and hope in life.  My parents and sister are my light.  

Today, I am STILL working COVID-19.  I had a break from May to July and October to December. Omicron variant has really taken a toll on this area... some are still getting sick with the initial variants; matter of fact I am pretty sure I had a Delta variant patient today.  They tend to get sicker with respiratory and gastrointestinal symptoms than other variants.  I have cried at least once every shift this week.  I think it originates from the frustration of feeling stuck in this.  I love my unit.  I love my nurse managers.  I love most of the nurses, therapists, and assistants that I work with, but I am going to be honest.  I am very beat down and worn down. I will keep pressing forward and doing my job well, but I am definitely hoping it is with the payoff of returning to an acceptable form of normal.

If I were to say what has been the most frustrating part of this pandemic, it would be the questioning.  I cannot account for the origination of the virus, nor do I focus on that. I just know the virus is here and it has taken lives and definitely destroyed many lives it didn't take. All I can do is attest to what I have seen in the hospital, and it is so defeating when that amounts to nothing to the people it should.  It is defeating when you feel what you are pouring your heart and soul into is only sucking the heart and soul right out of you. It is incredibly defeating when your eyewitness account is discarded as if it meant nothing.  That is traumatic.

Besides my job, I had to say goodbye to my grandmother.  She was 86 but should have lived much longer than that.  I loved her.  She was pure goodness.  I spend August to October driving back and forth from Missouri to Arkansas on my days off to be by her side during her last days.  There were heartbreaking moments as I experienced the loss of her memory over and over.  She would ask me how my husband is doing, and I had to remind her that I was divorced.  Over and over.  She didn't remember my kids.  She was failure to thrive, and I just watched her waste away to skin and bones.  I wouldn't trade that time with her for anything, but I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge the toll that it took on my soul.  

I'm not wanting to be a downer or even to debate anything... I don't want to bash, blame or anything like that. I don't want to wallow in self-pity.  I just needed to put this somewhere where maybe no one but me will see.  I don't think anyone really blogs anymore, do they?

Anyway.  Hi.  I'm doing okay.  Moving through this the best way I can.  Take care out there.  If you want to ask me questions about COVID-19, or anything really, ask away.  And if nobody is reading this, I am sending this out into the void in order to get this off my chest.  Happy late Tuesday night.