Funerals.

Titles are hard.  I don't know how to come up with them until I finish with my post.  I have been working a lot of bonus shifts lately, and this means I have some extra money to play with.  I let my son build me a very cool computer.  It's been fun to watch him do what he is good at while reaping the rewards of it.  We have hit a snag, though.  He doesn't understand why it is lagging at certain points, so hopefully we can get that figured out.  In the meantime, it is allowing me to blog more.  

Today, I went to the funeral of a friend.  She was a social worker on the unit I work on.  Her name was Hayley.  She was such a caring good person.  No matter what was going on in her life, your struggle was so much more important.  In 2020, she was diagnosed with a very advanced stage of cancer.  She passed last week.  She was always there to give me a hug, even though my problems were so much more diminished.  I will always be thankful that she was in my life.

I feel a heaviness every day.  I don't know why, but today, I felt it so strong.  I took a walk with my 15-year-old son, and I just unloaded it all to him.  He was able to understand everything I was feeling, and by the end of my walk... I felt better.  I am so thankful for him.  Thankful for my kids.  They are such beautiful, wonderful human beings.  

Here is to better days.

I hope to lighten up soon.

Into the Void

It has been a long time since I have blogged.  A couple years, I think, without referencing to find out.  Life has come a long way, and I don't think I could even begin to attempt to catch you all up.  In all honesty, I didn't have the heart or energy to blog, and so much time and life has passed.  Since my last post, there has been failed attempts at dating and finding love only to lose it again... but I do not want to talk about that, or about my lack of a love life.  Not because I haven't had opportunity, I'm just not optimistic, here.  I've experienced too much of a negative pattern to believe that a positive pattern exists. 

Since I do not want to discuss my non-dating life, I will address another big elephant.  My job.  April 2020, I began nursing COVID-19 patients, and only saw the light of somewhat normal nursing for maybe 4 months in between then and now.  I say "somewhat normal" because we will likely never get back to pre-COVID-19 nursing where we were able to patient face without wearing a mask. We are still in the thick of it.  It's been a whirlwind. I was there for the beginning when there were very few patients and no vaccine.  I was nursing very sick patients when mask and social distancing mandates were lifted, and the hospital began filling up.  I was in the COVID-19 ICU unit during the height of both the initial wave and the delta wave.  My mental health took a pretty big hit.  I was working 48 hours a week and suffocating in the devastation, the struggle, the death, the complete disregard by much of the public toward taking any precautions.  I was angry, I felt alone, I was losing faith in the goodness of humanity, and to be very candid... God and I aren't on the best of terms after my experiences in the past 5 years.  On top of that, I was alone in my personal life, except for my kids, and family.  Let's be honest, sometimes that just isn't enough.  With that said, I wouldn't be doing as well as I am without my family... my brother Anthony is my best friend.  My kids are my joy and hope in life.  My parents and sister are my light.  

Today, I am STILL working COVID-19.  I had a break from May to July and October to December. Omicron variant has really taken a toll on this area... some are still getting sick with the initial variants; matter of fact I am pretty sure I had a Delta variant patient today.  They tend to get sicker with respiratory and gastrointestinal symptoms than other variants.  I have cried at least once every shift this week.  I think it originates from the frustration of feeling stuck in this.  I love my unit.  I love my nurse managers.  I love most of the nurses, therapists, and assistants that I work with, but I am going to be honest.  I am very beat down and worn down. I will keep pressing forward and doing my job well, but I am definitely hoping it is with the payoff of returning to an acceptable form of normal.

If I were to say what has been the most frustrating part of this pandemic, it would be the questioning.  I cannot account for the origination of the virus, nor do I focus on that. I just know the virus is here and it has taken lives and definitely destroyed many lives it didn't take. All I can do is attest to what I have seen in the hospital, and it is so defeating when that amounts to nothing to the people it should.  It is defeating when you feel what you are pouring your heart and soul into is only sucking the heart and soul right out of you. It is incredibly defeating when your eyewitness account is discarded as if it meant nothing.  That is traumatic.

Besides my job, I had to say goodbye to my grandmother.  She was 86 but should have lived much longer than that.  I loved her.  She was pure goodness.  I spend August to October driving back and forth from Missouri to Arkansas on my days off to be by her side during her last days.  There were heartbreaking moments as I experienced the loss of her memory over and over.  She would ask me how my husband is doing, and I had to remind her that I was divorced.  Over and over.  She didn't remember my kids.  She was failure to thrive, and I just watched her waste away to skin and bones.  I wouldn't trade that time with her for anything, but I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge the toll that it took on my soul.  

I'm not wanting to be a downer or even to debate anything... I don't want to bash, blame or anything like that. I don't want to wallow in self-pity.  I just needed to put this somewhere where maybe no one but me will see.  I don't think anyone really blogs anymore, do they?

Anyway.  Hi.  I'm doing okay.  Moving through this the best way I can.  Take care out there.  If you want to ask me questions about COVID-19, or anything really, ask away.  And if nobody is reading this, I am sending this out into the void in order to get this off my chest.  Happy late Tuesday night.

One Day to the Next.

Hi everyone,  It's been a couple of months, so here I am again.  Someone told me recently that whining on my blog doesn't help me...  Funny how people will act like they know what is helpful or harmful when they haven't walked a day in my shoes.  On the contrary, I find that typing out my thoughts is a good way for me to process and deal. I have always felt that way.  Even before "The Great Personal Disaster of 2017."  I'm sure many of you agree.  If not, *shrug*, oh well.  I think I'm doing pretty good to have only blogged three (now 4) times in almost 2 years about all of this (laugh with me... or not, ha).

Things are okay.  I mean, I am not without issues, concerns, complaints, sadness, stress, etc., but then again, when are we ever completely without any of that?  I have things that are difficult to deal with right now relationally with friends and the like, but it's all okay.  It's okay.  At least that is what I tell myself, because I know that what is bugging me right now will not be what is bugging me in a couple months.  The seasons of life, and stuff.

I'm finding myself more and more content with my life.  This world of mine goes round on an axis of my kids, work, family and friends.  I am fulfilled.  I am finding this past couple of weeks that God is still there with me.  I am finding bright rays of golden sunshine in the midst of some cloudy days here and there.  I would even say that I have been happy more days than not.

As far as the divorce, "he" doesn't hurt me anymore.  I touched on this in my last post, but the hurt I experience lately has been from trying to move on, the complications of testing the dating waters, the difficulty of balancing the two worlds that my kids find themselves torn between, and all the mistakes and blunders that I make along the way.  I often feel like my mistakes are far worse than anyone else's, and that is the source of a lot of my sadness, frustration, and anxiety. I'm trying to not shoulder too heavy of a load, but it's a default of my character.  I also shoulder way too much responsibility for the feelings of others.  Something else I have to get better at not making my burden too heavy.

While this is all seeming like a focus on the negative, it really is okay.  I'm doing alright.

With all of that said, the rest is "to be continued..."  I'm doing okay.

Until next time.

Let’s be Honest About the Mess.

I really do not blog as much as I should. It’s been almost a year since my last post and I even unpublished that post for some reason. It’s back up, because after I re-read it I thought, “wow, I really did a good job getting out my feelings here.”  Writing out my feelings has always helped me so I don’t know why I don’t do it more.  (oh yeah, I remember why... ha. Because I get incredibly self-conscious)

So, here I am with a new post almost a year after my last one. Basically, I am going to spill out what’s on my mind and I am not going to hold much back. Some of it will be good, some not so good because let’s face it... life really sucks sometimes. 

Before I dive into the mess, let’s talk about what isn’t a mess. My job. I have been a nurse (RN, BSN) for close to 2 years. When I first started I was nervous, stressed, and sometimes frantic. Anytime something would go wrong I would lose my confidence and rely heavily on my fellow nurses. I have to give myself a little break for that because I was a baby nurse whose only hospital experience was having babies, nursing school, and 6 months of being a nurse assistant.  

I am much more at home with myself and my abilities. I don’t freak out when my patient’s oxygen saturation drops in the 70’s, or they start having chest pain,  or their heart rate or rhythm goes wonky, or they get an obscenely high/low blood pressure, etc... I take care of it or send them to the unit. I’m coming into my own as a nurse and I love my job. I always tell people when they ask if I like my job, that I was made by God to be a nurse. This is my calling in life. I am just so thankful I went for it, and I didn’t ever give up, that wasn’t even an option. 

I guess it’s time to talk about the messier stuff. I am a year and a half post divorce. I am 1 year and 10 months post separation from my ex. Some days are better than others. Some hours are better than others. Some things still hurt, others have healed up significantly. I no longer feel that pressure or heaviness in my stomach when I am confronted with what ended my marriage. I am no longer emotionally attached to him in any real meaningful way. The feelings of disgust, anger, and resentment are so much less. Not saying they don’t come up in a rare moment of weakness, but they aren’t strong, aren’t often, aren’t crippling.  I can honestly say that I really haven’t struggled with this post-divorce, but really, I don’t miss him, and I don’t wish I was still with him.

A lot, if not all, of the hurt that I experience now is not directly from the divorce... now it's from the aftermath.  The hurt I feel now comes from navigating life as a single mom, trying to date, trying to be self sufficient, trying to be a good mom, and all the failures laced in with those things.

What does hurt is that I still feel defective. I feel like he was able to move on and remarry so quickly... dating someone new before the divorce was final, and remarried 6 months after the divorce was final... and I can’t even seem to date properly. It’s been 1 1/2 years and I’m sitting here single, and probably need to stay that way for now, with a string of really messy dating history.  I had been very monogamous in my marriage; I took my vows very seriously and never even entertained attraction to another man for 16 years. It’s hard for me to be single, it’s hard for me to not be married, and it’s hard for me to date.  Oh yeah, have I mentioned dating has been disastrous? Dating has been disastrous.

What does still hurt is the support mutual friends give to my ex and his now wife. I understand splitting friendship between a split up couple is difficult, but the way it feels to me when I see the support or learn about it, is that they think I deserved to get cheated on repeatedly.  It feels like they believe my ex must have had some kind of miserable with me, and good on him for upgrading. That’s how it feels and it hurts. Whether that thought process is rational or accurate, I don’t know... but I’m being honest. It hurts. 

What does still hurt is that I am sharing my kids with a woman I have never even had a conversation with. My ex has never given me the courtesy of getting to know the woman that he is wanting to be a step mom to my kids. It stings when I pick my kids up and see my youngest wrapping her arms around this woman. That’s my daughter. My baby. It stings that she gets to do the things that I should be doing because they aren’t with me for that weekend or holiday... Those are my babies! Irrational or not, that’s how I feel. Just being honest. 

What does still hurt is time without the kids.  That's when I feel alone the most.  Like right now.  My kids are with their dad this weekend.  I am missing them.  I hate what this does to them.  I hate how they feel torn between two worlds.  I hate how they have to be the product of a broken home.  I hate that two adults were supposed to keep their world together and we tore everything they knew apart.  I hate it.

What does still hurt is just being divorced. But, give me time...

Pain is Relative

Divorce has been painful.  I believed when I got married, as most do, that it would be forever.  I believed we would weather the storms and make it through.  When my marriage crumbled so did 16 years of my life.  The ache in my heart is physiological, like the fibers of my heart are literally stretching and threatening to break.  The ache is not for him, but for what he did to me, for the marriage, for my kids, for this new life I was forced into, and the loss of the person I was.

In the aftermath of what was my world and all I knew, I have become someone I hardly recognize.  I have made decisions that I thought would make me feel better or make me happier, only to find a deeper sort of loneliness and an overwhelming disappointment with myself.  I have also made good decisions that have made me feel empowered, but to be honest, those are few and far in between.  Most days I struggle to find reasons to smile and the tears flow easier these days.  Mostly I feel overwhelmed, lost, unimportant, alone, and like everything good is just out of reach.

Believe me, I realize in brief moments of rational thought just how irrational my thinking gets in the lows, but depression is unrelenting and the mind is easily overcome by emotion when in these dark places.  One day at a time and I hope to find each day is a little brighter.  This valley has been low, and climbing out of it is going to take some time.  Giving myself that time is just as painful and frustrating.

I'm praying a lot.  I'm fasting a lot.  I'm waiting a lot.  Still believing that I will look back at this time and see how God was moving the pieces into just the right places.  I know I will see happier days, but I am pushing through, trudging through this mud first.  It's just going to take time.  Too much time.

Fast Foward to Now...

I never posted anything about graduation.  I have many good reasons why I didn't... however, today I need to blog.  Sometimes you just need to say all of what is in your mind.  Okay, maybe not ALL of what is in my mind, but I need to say something's... a lot of things... but I'll keep some of it in, you're welcome.

I graduated... That's a big deal.  I also passed my NCLEX... also a big deal.  I also got divorced shortly after... and that has been many things including a big deal... but when I say something is a big deal I am usually referring to it in a way that is good and exciting.  Divorce is never good... and definitely has not been exciting.

Unraveling the tangled web that has been my life over the past few months will take some effort on my part, but I feel like this is something I need.  I am going to talk about things that many people expect others to keep to themselves.  You can either be okay with that and read and understand, or you can stop reading here... be happy that I graduated and am now an RN.

I worked as a nurse assistant prior to being a nurse.  That was great experience.  I loved being a nurse assistant.  I continued to work as a nurse assistant up until the second week of January 2017 when I transferred to a graduate nurse position.  During those last few weeks I was doing tons of NCLEX practice questions on my phone, since the NCLEX was scheduled for January 27.  On January 7 at around 4:45 am, just as I was about to begin morning vitals I get a notification on Facebook Messenger.  And that  would be the beginning of the end for my marriage.

During the last 2 semesters of nursing school I made really good friends with a lady from church.  She loved my little Avery girl, who needed a good babysitter. This lady watched my little girl, and we would hang out, and laugh, and share life, and problems, and laugh... And she would meet my then husband for "lunch." At least that is what I learned the morning of January 7 as I was attempting to finish my shift.  Not only was I reading about... processing... and internalizing the betrayal of a husband of 16 years (who had riddled my last 10 years with bouts of unfaithfulness), but I was also reading about... processing... and internalizing the betrayal of a good friend. 

I won't go into the details of the Facebook message I received... just know that it crushed me and shocked me to the core.  I knew my marriage was over.  This man who I believed would love me through it all, who pledged me faithfulness, who vowed in sickness and health, rich or poor, who said "I plight thee my troth" had gone against his word, his vows, and for a year engaged in an extramarital affair and lied about it.

When I confronted him, there was initial refusal, but I think he was tired of hiding it and lying and came clean.  There was no elaborate apology, begging, or pleading.  He simply said, "I will get my things and move out."  January 7th was the separation... April 6 the divorce was final. 

Fast forward to today:  Today he remarries.  Some woman I have never met.  Some woman I hope knows exactly the man she is marrying.  Some woman who will now be, legally, a step mother to my children, and that is the part that makes me sadder than anything else.  I should have been the only mother these kids knew.  I should have been the only one raising them, teaching them, guiding them... and because of everything... I have to share my kids with a woman that should have never been in the picture. 

Some other things that bother me about this marriage are more selfish and personal.  I can't help but see it through superficial surface layer views.  I see a man who betrayed his wife, his kids, and even himself... I see this man moving on... getting the dream life, wife, house, and taking MY kids under the wings of another woman not of my choosing.  Yet here I sit on this wedding day... at Panera Bread.  Typing this blog and taking glances at the sky through their enormous floor to ceiling windows.  I'm trying to see my silver lining; hoping for my happy ending.  I'm trying to believe it exists. 

I pray unselfishly, but I also pray selfishly sometimes, and I hope that's okay.  Like... prayers to experience a deep devoted love by someone who sees my worth.  Maybe someday I will. 

The Final Semester is Underway

Hi everyone who still reads this thing... or maybe it's just me here? LOL

Anyway.  I am in the 4th week of my final semester of nursing school!  It has been such a difficult journey and it is almost finished.

I have been working over the summer (and currently) as a nursing assistant on a cardiac telemetry floor in a local hospital.  I LOVE MY JOB.  I wish I would have found out sooner how much I love patient care.  This has been so fulfilling for me.

I am currently taking 2 online classes, Trends and Ethics and Nurse Management and Leadership.  I go to clinical once a week to shadow a nurse manager.  I think I have decided that management at this point in time is not my idea of a happy job (smile). I prefer bedside nursing to managing the nurses while they give bedside care.  I love being hands on with patients and being able to make the difference in someone's hospital stay.  I begin my Capstone class in about 5 weeks.  This course will be difficult as I have to rack up 250 some odd clinical hours in 8 weeks.  I will essentially be working in the hospital as a nurse under the license of a nurse preceptor.  I have so many worries and fears but I refuse to fail, and I will take it on one thing at a time.  I will muster all the confidence and boldness I have to face challenges and shape myself into an amazing nurse.

ALSO!  I already have my big girl job.  I have undergone 3 interviews and 1 call-back interview.  I interviewed for the telemetry floor that I currently aid on, our postpartum mother-baby unit, and pediatrics twice (the nurse manager wasn't in on my initial interview and wanted to interview me herself). I got offers from all 3 positions, and in the end I chose Pediatrics.  So, come January 2017 I will be doing a nurse residency on the hospital's pediatric unit.   I can honestly say that when I went into nursing school pediatrics was not on the top of my list of jobs I wanted as a nurse.  However, I loved my pediatric rotation and I had many moments that allowed me to see the amazing good I could do as a pediatric nurse.  I am nervous, scared, but oh so excited about this opportunity.

I do not know exactly where this nursing career will lead, but I do know I was made to do this.  I have never felt a calling to do anything so strongly in my life as I do with nursing.

As I walk this last stretch of my journey to my BSN degree, I hope to finish strong and realize my dreams.  I hope to make a difference and be a bright spot in people's lives through nursing care.

The next time I post will likely be either close to or after graduation.  I promise pictures and I promise to blog more after I am finished.

Until then, I will get back to immersing myself in my school work.

LOVE!
Amy

Summer Break and Work!

Hi guys... or to the one or two people who may accidentally read this blog still.  I did it.  I finished my 4th semester of nursing school.  Out of all of the semesters this was my favorite one.  I was not stressed out of my mind and I felt like I learned a TON.

Now I am on summer break.  I decided to take a job as a nursing assistant at one of our hospitals.  I work on the cardiac medical surgical floor.  I really like it.  This kind of work is what I was meant for, and sometimes I get really sad when I think about how long it took me to figure this out, but I am just glad I did figure it out.

So far summer has been pretty uneventful with only a few trips to Silver Dollar City and adjusting to working overnights.  I do have a small vacation planned.  August 5-9 when I will be going to south Texas to see my brother and aunts and uncles.  This should be a nice break before I start back for my 5th and final semester of nursing school.

Nursing school starts back up for me August 15.  That date will be here before I know it.  I am nervous and excited.  I am not for certain how it will effect my working, but I am going to try and keep working while I am in school.  Eight weeks into my semester I will begin my capstone clinical.  This will entail me working full time in the hospital under a nurse preceptor.  I am hoping this experience will lead me to what I want to do as a nurse.

So far I am interested in Cardiac, Postpartum, Pediatrics, Emergency, and ICU nursing.  Time will tell, but I am really excited about what the future holds.  I begin applying for graduate nurse positions in August.  Life is about to become really busy.

For now, that's it.  Sorry, no pictures.  You can follow my IG account, although I don't use it a lot, I do post the occasional picture.  Amyschmamey!

4th Semester Nursing School

I am in the throws of my 4th semester of nursing school.  So far things haven't been too bad.  I love clinical, and I am managing to keep up with my class work.  I haven't gotten too stressed out yet... that will come toward April, I'm sure.

I am taking Medical Surgical Nursing II, Community and Public Health Nursing, and the ABC's of PQRST.  Med Surg is my big class where I learn the bulk of nursing within a hospital setting.  The exams are really brutal... you haven't taken an exam until you have taken an exam full of NCLEX style questions.  It's like trickery... but it's not.  Last semester I took classes divided into 8 weeks which meant that I had a test every single week.  That was tough.  I am so glad this semester there is actually room to breathe between each exam.  This decreases the stress level by so much.

Community and Public Health Nursing does not have any exams, but it has a lot of busy-work and projects.  I can't decide if I would rather take exams or do projects, ha.  This class is not as consistent as I would like; we don't have class every week, and we have a sporadic clinical schedule.  That is the worst aspect of this class, though.  I feel like I am winging it a lot of the time.

The ABC's of PQRST is all about reading EKG strips.  I really love the professor in this class.  She is so smart and she explains things very well.  I think I am going to learn a lot about the heart this way.  The heart has always taken a lot of effort for me to understand pathology, but between my Pediatrics course and this course I feel like I understand it a whole lot better than I did.

Now for some annoying chit chat about grades... you can skip over this section if you really don't care about grades.  When I finished my pre-requisites I had a 4.0 GPA.  From my first Nursing exam on I have been plagued with B's.  The grading system is a lot tougher than it was at Ozarks Technical Community College.  Where an A was 90-100, at the school I am at an A is 93-100... B is 84-92... C is 75-83... so if you make an 92.85% you have made a B... that happened to me in a few courses... I just couldn't squeeze out that A.  So, I have been cursed with a 3.1-3.0 GPA... except for last semester!  I managed to make 3 A's and 1 B... so, I ended up having a high enough GPA to get on the Dean's List with a 3.692.  Woo hoo!  I miss making straight A's, but I'm trying the best I can, and in the end, the result is the same... I will be a nurse.  That is all that matters.

I basically just wanted to get my thoughts down on this semester and how it has been going.  That's all from me, and unless I get the urge to post before the end of the semester, the next blog post will be the middle of May.

Enjoy the next few months of life, everyone.

For Me

I doubt anyone really even reads my blog anymore.  Since I have gone back to school my posts have been lacking.  I am currently in the middle of my 3rd semester of nursing school and it is eating my life up whole.  I have very little time to do anything other than study, do assignments, and study some more.

I am currently in my OB rotation... or as I like to call it "babies and vaginas."  I have only had a rotation in neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) so far, so I really do not know how I feel about it, yet.  I really liked NICU, though... but, that's a given, because I find I just enjoy intensive care unit nursing in general.

I still do not know where I want to work when I become a nurse, but I can tell you with certainty that I want to work in a hospital.  Whether that ends up being on a medical surgical floor, an ICU, or the emergency room... I just want to work in the hospital.  My clinical experiences have all been so fulfilling, and I haven't regretted pursuing nursing for one minute.  I would be lying, though, if I said I loved nursing school... because I don't.  I hate it, but it is a means to an end, and it will get me to my dream career... my calling.  I do believe I was meant for nursing.

I decided to grow my pixie cut out a little over 2 months ago.  So, for visuals I will post my grow out process so far :)

This is when I decided to grow

This is 4 weeks later

This is another 4 weeks later

This is 5 weeks after that

So, we are on the grow.  I like my hair short, and it seems I go through two year cycles for cutting it off into a pixie.  As I am getting older, though, I don't want the typical short haircut for older women, ya know?  So, I think from here on out I want to keep it at least shoulder length and styled.  I'm glad I am chronicling the grow out process, though.  I like to see the progress.  My hair seems to grow at the expected 1/2 inch per month.  It doesn't grow fast or slow... just normal.  

Anyway.  enough with the boring stuff.  I hope everyone else is doing well.  I can't wait to be done with nursing school.  December 2016 cannot get here quick enough.  Just a little over 1 year and 2 1/2 semesters.

Love.

Amy

Three Weeks Later

My last day of classes for the semester was three weeks ago.  That says a lot about how stressful this past semester was that it took me three weeks to decompress and feel like posting a blog. Ha.

I now have semester two complete.  Medical Surgical Nursing 1 was probably my favorite class, but at the end of the semester that class was about to cause me to have a psychiatric break.  I think I cried no less than three times.  The tests were insanely difficult, but I passed with a B.  Psychiatric Nursing was annoying.  I pretty much know that I will not be going into that field when I graduate.  I passed that class with a B, but it was hard fought.  I also took a class on Gerontological Nursing; I made an A in that class.  

During that semester I was beginning to question whether I was experiencing cardiovascular issues, because I would experience chest pain that would make it difficult to breathe at times, but as I decompressed after the semester, I have not experienced any chest pain.  Anxiety can really mess your body up.  This is true.

Now I have a whole summer in front of me that is already going by way too fast.  I made a collage of some of the highlights from the last three weeks...

The top row is from mother's day.  I visited my sister as soon as school was out with my mom.  That was awesome fun.  I got to play Yahtzee with my grandma and son, and the steak and shake pictures were from a lunch date with the family.  

Goals for the summer include losing the 10 lbs that I put on from being so sedentary during nursing school... that's slowly coming along.  I have been working out every day on my elliptical.  I also plan on doing some LIGHT studying to keep me fresh for next semester. 

Tomorrow night I am going to a women's event at my church.  It's a pinterest party and I'm so excited.  

June 15th is my birthday!  UGH.  I'm getting so old.  It will be number 36 for me! (insert shocked face emoji).

June 26th-July 4th is going to be vacation time in San Antonio, Texas.  We will be spending time with my brother and sister in law for a week, and then going to Corpus Christi for a family reunion.  I'm really looking forward to that.

Before I know it I will be back for my third semester of nursing school.  Next semester is a couple of brutal online informatics classes, Pediatrics, and Obstetrics.  But, I'm not going to focus on that until I have to.  Right now, I 'm enjoying my sanity and my family again.

I hope you all have big fun plans this summer.  

The Pixie is Back!

Every two years... Almost like clockwork... I am struck by an almost uncontrollable urge to get a pixie cut. Usually, the grow out begins right after the cut. This time I think I'm going to let it stick around... At least until August. Time will tell. But anyway. Here is a picture taken shortly before the cut...

And here are a couple after photos 

Avery was being silly and sticking her gum on the top of her tongue. 

Happy Monday, everyone! 

An Apple Girl's Experience in the Android World

I realize this is a complete first world problem post, but I really wanted to post this, just in case there is some Apple fan person out there considering Android.

In December of 2008 I decided to ditch the flip phone and get a smart phone.  I purchased my first ever iPhone 3G. From then until 2012, I have been a loyal Apple customer.  However, I am a curious gal, and like to know if there is something I am missing.  I tried the Windows Phone for about 2 months before realizing I could never be happy with it; I missed Apple.  So back to Apple I went.

You would think I had learned my lesson, but nope.  Curiosity got the better of me again.  I was certain that I needed a bigger screen and the ability to customize.  I decided this past December to use my 2 year upgrade to test the Android waters, so to speak.  I got the LG G3 for no money down.

image source: http://cdn3.pcadvisor.co.uk/cmsdata/reviews/3586914/LG_G3_review.jpg

Boy was this phone BIG and the screen resolution, WOW!  This was it.  No more Apple products for me.  How awesome to be able to change your font without jailbreaking, change app icons with little effort, and use any ringtone your heart could desire with the Zedge app.  I liked it.  A lot.

The love affair didn't last long, though.  The first thing I missed was the fluidity of the iOS.  I'm not sure if it is just an LG thing, or if it is android straight across the board, but movement between apps was a disjointed and lagged experience. I convinced myself that it wasn't that big of a deal, though, and I did have a bigger better screen... so,maybe it was a good trade-off.

The next thing, and probably the biggest thing that I missed is probably the biggest advantage that iPhone has over Android... that is iMessage.  Hangouts does not even come close to tapping into what iMessage can do.  The built in text apps are even worse.  You can't send video unless it's crap quality and you can't get read receipts.  Sending plain ol' texts took a lot longer than with iMessage as well.  I text a lot.  I would much rather text than talk on the phone... usually, so for my texting experience to not be that good, well, that was a big deal.  If Android wants to win over iPhone users, they HAVE to get hangouts competitive with iMessage... allow them to send videos of higher quality, allow for a quick text messaging experience... this is REALLY important.

Apple's lock screen was another thing I missed.  The design is clean, simple, and easy to use with a security code.  I had to set my Android phone up to not have a pass code, because it was just so difficult for me to open my phone, especially one handed.  I know it has a one handed setting, but I couldn't handle the left or right shift of the touch buttons... I guess that's OCD or perfectionism or something... so it drove me more nuts to have my phone not centered, ha.  Even without a pass code on the lock screen, in order to open a notification on my lock screen, I had to swipe the phone open first.  WHY?  That is completely pointless.  With iPhone, if you don't have a security code then you can just open the phone up through the notification.  I can't be the only one who thinks it makes no sense to require you to swipe open a phone that doesn't have a security code... But whatever.  That was another small issue.  There are plenty of lock screen apps in Google Play to change this up, but that's a separate issue.

The customization of an Android phone is the OS's supposed BIG advantage over iPhone.  Well, to me, customization was a hassle.  I can see how some people would enjoy it, but I found it frustrating, because I wanted to customize, but in order to do so I had to download this app, that needed this other app, and that app needed another app.  Sure you can get your Android to do just about anything, but OH MY GOOOOOSH, what a hassle!  All this to get my Android to function like an iPhone... You see, iPhone doesn't need to be completely customize-able, because what I have found is that they get it pretty darn right out of the box.  The OS is pretty, clean, and the app icons are nice (with the exception of a couple like their games icon, which I find pretty lamely designed).  HOWEVER, if you like complicating your life and fixing stuff that isn't broken, then you can jailbreak the sucker and have it.  The iPhone isn't as anti-customization as people think.  All the customization this girl needs is to be able to change her wallpaper and her ringtones... all doable on iPhone.

Another small minor thing that I missed was iPhone's built in visual voice mail.  SO EASY TO USE.  SO EASY TO SET UP.  Getting my Android visual voice mail setup was almost a cause for me to return my phone within the first week, but I ended up getting it resolved and kept the phone.  I probably should have just taken it back...

The last thing I will talk about that I really missed about iPhone was the clean and simple OS and lack of bloatware.  The iPhone comes preloaded with a few crap apps, as I like to call them, and I used to find them annoying, until I got an Android.  HOLY "CRAP APP" OVERLOAD, BATMAN!  AT&T app this, Google app that... So many pointless apps... Android, if you are so big on customization, then give people a choice as to what apps they want taking up space on their phone.  Sheesh maleesh.  I think iPhone could work on this too, but their built in apps aren't nearly as pointless and overwhelming as Android.

So, basically, after nearly 3 months in the Android world... it's official, I like the iPhone better.  It wasn't without a lot of effort and periods of denial.  The things I think Android has going for them are few, but I will say that the file access is a huge one.  If I download a file on an iPhone I have no clue where that download goes, but with Android, there is a file folder where you can access all of your downloads.  That was so nice for school.  If I want to store downloaded files on my iPhone I have to get an app for that.  (Unless someone knows something I don't know).

Another thing I liked about my Android was the option of having extra storage, although I NEVER used it.  I think that is something that iPhone needs to consider incorporating into their future phone designs, because I know a lot of people who get the 32 GB models and run out of space on them.  I know iPhone wants to make money off of their higher capacity phones, but couldn't they do that through designing an SD type card specific to the iPhone/iPad that would allow people to expand their phone memory, but still allow Apple to make even more ridiculous amounts of money?  Wouldn't this also save them money because they wouldn't have to produce phones of different memory capacity, they would just develop, say a 16 GB phone and then sell the iPhone memory expansion cards?  A card is a lot smaller than a phone after all.  Smaller = less material = less cost? Right?  I mean, I can't be the first person to think of this.

However, other than those two things, I find the iPhone to be cleaner, prettier, less complicated, smoother, and much more effective in it's capabilities.  My android seemed to get clogged up, and I was needing to restart it every day because it started lagging and acting bogged down.  I would do the phone sweep thing, I would close out my open apps, and I would clean my internet history.  I just couldn't figure out how to make this phone meet my needs, and iPhone does it with little effort.

After all of this, I am back on an iPhone.  I found an Android fan boy that went iPhone and hated it.  He traded me his 32 GB iPhone 5 for my LG G3 straight across, no cost.  He got the newer bigger phone, but I am okay with that, because I feel like I have the better functioning phone.

Lesson learned.  I like iPhone, and as much as I want to like Android, I just can't.  So, Dear future Amy, if you get bored with your phone, just remember... you've done this twice now, and both times you end up back at Apple... So stop already.  Thanks.

I firmly believe that whatever OS you enter the smartphone world on is what you will usually be partial to, and that is what you will feel most comfortable operating.  So, if you are bored and looking for something new, get a case.

Second Semester

It has been a LONG time since my last post.  Honestly, this blog is the last thing on my mind, ha. Nursing school has been the most difficult thing I have ever done.  I love the friends that I have made in my cohort, and we help each other survive week to week.

A quick overview of my first semester goes like this:
My Foundations of Professional Nursing class was stressful, but mostly enjoyable.  I can insert Foley Catheters into a male or female, I can insert an NG/NE tube, I can check vitals, give a bed bath, help patients ambulate... and more.  Clinical for this class was so much fun and helped reinforce that nursing was a good choice for me.  My professor was so awesome... hilarious and she cared about her students.

Health Assessment was TORTURE... pure and utter TORTURE.  I do know how to do a good bedside assessment, though, and that was the point... I'm glad to be finished with this class.

Pharmacology was so difficult, but so great.  This was primarily due to an amazing professor who is probably one of the best lecturers I have had since starting school.  I still have so much to learn about Pharmacology, but I have a wonderful base of knowledge because of this class.

I held it together and stayed strong up until the end of the semester during finals week.  I have never worked so hard to make a B... And B's I made... in all of my classes.  This was difficult for me since I made A's all through my 4 semesters at Ozarks Technical Community College where I got my gen ed courses done.  In my defense, if OTC's grading system were to have been used, I would have made all A's... but alas.  I was warned that this would be the case, and truthfully, I brushed off the warning because I had good study habits and I was determined... but I just couldn't figure out what I needed to do in order to pull off an A.

Back to the melting down bit.  In Foundations we had to take a test called the HESI.  It is supposed to predict how well you will do on the NCLEX-RN (nursing boards)... anyway, the test was worth 5% of my grade if I passed the first time and I would get 2.5% if I passed the second time.  Well... I didn't make a high enough score to pass on the first time... and it hit me hard.  I cried and cried and cried... but I eventually pulled it together... got a study plan figured out, and on my second try I passed with flying colors.  I made a 1045... which the passing score is 900.  So YAY... But still I mourn that I could have gotten an A in that class if I would have passed the HESI on the first try... oh well... moving on to semester 2.

I am no longer a nursing school baby... This semester I am taking Medical Surgical Nursing, Mental Health Nursing, and Aging and the Older Adult.  I am nervous, and I do not know really what to expect, but one thing is for certain, I will give it my best, and I will hopefully survive to see semester 3.  It will likely be Summer Break before you see another update from me, but I wanted to let it be known that I am still here! ha.

The semester begins tomorrow.  Please wish me luck... say prayers... ha, whatever!  I'll take it.

Until I resurface,
Amy

Nursing School

I'm here.  I made it... I'm in nursing school at Cox College.

I found it very funny to look back on my post where I announced that I was going back to school.  The initial goal is being realized, but what I want to do with myself as an RN is vastly different.  I started out wanting to do what everyone else seems to want to do as a nurse.  Now my interests have shifted, and my ideal job as a nurse would be cardiac care, recovery room, infectious disease, or triage of some sort.  Honestly, I think I will be too much of a beggar in the beginning to be a chooser, ya know?  So I think whatever nursing job I can land to get established will be what I will take.

I am in my third week of nursing school. So far, I have taken my first exam for one of my classes (I made a strong solid B, which typically I wouldn't be happy about, but I am honestly just trying to survive at this point),I have my first competency test this Friday for vitals, and we are going to be giving each other baths for our lab! *insert shocked face emoji*... Then, I am facing two more tests next week.

I love my professors.  They are all so vastly different, and they all seem to want their students to succeed.  That is so very important.  When they professor is rooting you on, then you are in good hands.  I am still nervous about everything, but I am beginning to not feel so overwhelmed by it all.

There is a mountain of school work I need to be doing, so I am out of here.  I hope to give more updates as I can.

BOOOOOOOKS!

...but not the fantastical escape reality kind... no.  These are "big girl" books.  Looking at this stack almost makes me want to cry, but I have 12 more days until these books become my solitary confinement.  Three of them are as big as the HOLY BIBLE! Two others are even more ginormous... I'm in for it.

I am officially resigning myself to "no-lifehood" August 18th.  See you on the flippity flip.

My Fourth of July

I ran my first 10k race early in the morning on the 4th.  I had such a great time.  I didn't get to train as hard as I would have like to for the race, due to school, but considering that, I did pretty well.  I am not a fast runner.  I am short among other deficits.  I usually run about a 10:15 min/mile, but during this race, I ran 3 miles under 10 minutes.  One clocked in at 9:13.  I was pretty proud of myself. On the normal, it takes me about 1 hour and 5-7 minutes to run 6 miles.  I ran this 10k (6.2+ miles) in 1 hour and 3 minutes.  I didn't place very high... but I wasn't last, and that is all that matters to me.  I didn't stop to walk at all.  I kept running the whole time.  The slowest mile I had was 10:54, and that was mile 5, when I usually hit "the wall." 

I plan on running a couple more organized running events before the year is up.  I think I will work on training myself harder to be faster. 

Later in the day we went to "Freedom Fest" which was being hosted by a few area organizations.  We got to spend some time with our church friends and relax watching a pretty decent firework show.  Besides the traffic getting out, it was a wonderful Fourth.

This picture was taken by my friend's husband. Not perfect, but glad to have it. I am barely in  the pictures.

 This is as good as dark firework pictures get with an iPhone.

 As blurry as this one is, it's one of my favorites. :)  Brendan was having an awesome time.

Classes Start Today

Shortly after I post this, I am going to be immersing myself in Statistics and Introduction to Professional Nursing.  I am so nervous about this summer semester.  I have a feeling I am going to be dreaming statistics. This has proven to be the most difficult math class for me so far.

This past weekend was a wonderful way to end my summer freedom, though.  I spent some time with my parents.  My daddy and I had another one of our meaningful chats.  I love talking with him.  We did family day with Dave's Army Reserve Unit, which is always an awkward day for me since I don't know anyone very well.  Then Dave, the kids, and I played cards... so much fun.  Last, I got to see my sister who I haven't seen in a while.  She has lived in Florida for the past 2 years and magically was able to move back in this area, so I hope I get to spend more time with her.  Our youngest daughters are only 1 week apart in age and so far, they like each other.  YAY!

I took a 4 mile run on the roads by my mom and dad's house... what a brutal run it was.  187 ft. gain.  This is a lot for someone who is just used to running primarily flat trails.  I won't lie, I probably only ran for 3 1/2 of the 4 miles.  I did get some pretty pictures from it though... Say what you will about it, Arkansas is really beautiful.

These are my running shoes that I got not long ago.  My hips would be in a tremendous amount of pain after a run, as well as my ankles.  These shoes have been very nice.  I don't know all the technical words runners use to describe what their shoes have, but they have a 0, 4, 8, and 12 mm offset heal to toe.  I tend to hit on the outside of my foot first, when I run, so these shoes are built to where they help offset that taking a lot of impact pressure off of my hips.  They really have been great.

Anyway.  Next weekend is another busy one.  We will be in Arkansas yet again, spending time with the family.  Then hopefully, my summer will get back to more of a routine rather than being so sporadic.

That's about all the dull boringness I can conjure up for this blog today.  Off I go to start torturing myself for the next 8 weeks.  Here's to an amazingly fantastic and successful go at Statistics.  Bring it.

Have a happy week you all.
Schmamey.

Summer School

It seems that a month has came and went since my last post, and I didn't even notice it at all.  I have these spurts where I have absolutely nothing interesting to blog about.  I know how blog readers prefer pictures to be the dominant feature in a blog post, and I, quite simply, have not had anything hugely interesting to take pictures of... but here is one of my daughter Avery... who is silly 99% of the time.

I have one more week of freedom before I have to hit the books for the summer.  Can I be honest and just tell you that I am not looking forward to taking classes during the summer?  I'm not.  I have to take my Introduction to Professional Nursing course and I have to give Statistics another go.  Both are online, and I hate online courses.  However, I am going to stop my negativity there.  With all of that said, I will do an about face and change my tune to excitement as I am half way to my degree.  Pretty cool.

What is on the horizon for me during the summer?  Well, first, this weekend I am getting some away time with the hubs.  Pretty excited to spend some time with him without kids and in another city. Next, my brother and his wife Liz are coming to visit for a bit, and I am getting a little giddy.  During that time, my birthday happens.  I turn into an even older fart.  35 on June 15.  Like sands through an hourglass.  On July 4th I am going to run my first actual 10k.  Then, I have my Basic Life Support Class.  Lastly, sometime between now and August I have to get vaccinated for school and figure out child care for my daughter Avery.  Okay, the further I got into that list, the more stressed and freaked out I became, soooooooo... back it up.

Long story short, I have a busy summer ahead of me, and much of it will not be exactly fun... but it will be productive and quite possibly result in some form of awesomeness.  Hopefully I am able to photo document some of it and slap it up here in blog form.

Happy Weekend and Happy "SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER" to you all.

My First 5k

One of my New Years Resolutions was to run some 5k's and 10k's this year.  I never would have ever thought that running would be something on my resolutions list.  I used to be the person who said, if you saw me running, you better run too, because something bad is happening to make me run. Ha.  I have since changed my mind.  I ran my first long distance in October of last year in the throws of my weight loss journey.  I had no idea how fit I was getting cardiovascular wise, but 1 hour a day on an elliptical for a month had really done wonders.  I was able to run 4 miles, only taking a couple of walking breaks.  The next time I ran  I didn't walk at all.  I have ran 6 mile runs without walking.  It became a time for me, where I was just concentrating on the music in my ears and releasing stress.

I decided my first 5k experience should be fun and not a serious race.  I signed up for the Color Me Rad 5k.  I was supposed to run it with my husband, but he had to go away for training that weekend, so I gave his spot to a friend of mine from church named Melissa.  We were perfect running partners because she is short like me.  Our strides matched and we pretty much kept the same pace.  I was so glad that she came out to run with me.  My friend Danielle ran it with her husband... she is a good 5 inches taller than me so she was KILLING it.  She ran the 5k about 2 minutes faster than Melissa and I did.

All in all, it was fun.  I want to do some more fun races, but my next run is a 10k on the morning of the 4th of July.  I have never run 6.2 miles so I am hoping that I can conquer it.  Usually by the end of my 6 mile runs I am ready to stop running, so adding 2 tenths of a mile onto that run seems so daunting, but I know I can do it.

One thing I made sure to go out and purchase after this run was some running tights.  My loose fitting pants are annoying to run in... so I will be good to go for the 10k.

What are you doing to stay fit and have fun?